I've been reflecting upon bodies and body images and the like.
Like, I realized a few years ago when I went from 215lbs to 165lbs at a safe pace thanks to rollerskating and weight watchers, that I thought of thin women as less substantial than larger women. It was a huge realization! It had two distinct meanings for me: that if I were to maintain a smaller size then I would have to give up other, more meaningful pursuits in order to free up the time to spend on my body (upkeep of the smaller body, plus, once I fit into more traditional clothing, I could time shopping and no longer felt silly decorating myself; this sort of self absorption has a domino effect). Secondly, people with smaller bodies have less substance: they are made of smaller pieces :) I realized that I relied on my size to give me a sense of safety--not only on the way to my car in the dark, but also in conversations with intimidating people: it feels safer to me to know I can sit on someone and hurt them (even if it is a fallacy)!
I notice my reactions to people and occasionally I think that my reactions or judgments reflect stereotypes or cultural reactions. I make these generalizations about people based on their looks.
Here are a few, most of which are offensive, but I offer them up here to shed light on them and make them go away:
Thinner people are more in control, more uptight.
Thinner, fit, fashionable people are running from something.
Women with really short hair care less about pleasing others.
People who wear glasses (until recently when glasses have become so wildly fashionable) are less self-absorbed and that reflects their superior intellects.
Examining some of these led me to some more observations today at the gym. My favorite is that Nobody feels Judged by the Fat Chick.
And that is why I am willing to shed the layers of insulation: so that I can add yet another level of superiority to my already intimidating collection.
I hear the body image propaganda in my head and I buy it all: accept the way I look, accept that it doesn't define me, love myself as I am. I do that stuff. But I also want to run and running while carrying an extra 50-70lbs is dangerous for my knees. I want to preserve my body because I know unequivocally that barring a bus accident, I am doomed to an unnaturally long life.
I've been steeped in rhetoric of healthy body image for so long that I've stopped questioning it. Whereas yes, it would be suicidal for me, as a large-framed woman to aspire to a pixie-esque physique, and downright silly for me to hate myself for not being a pixie, I think it would be perfectly acceptable to value a more sporting physique as opposed the the Rubenesque women that we're told are what "real" women look like.
I've also fallen for the rhetoric so much that I've taught myself to hate the thin people. So why would I want to be one? I have to tell myself how unhealthy that is, how they are in mortal danger. But really, have we not learned that a lower body fat percentage is almost synonymous with good health? Regular exercise and healthy eating, blah blah blah. You do that shit, and I'm telling you, you will have no choice but to be thin!
So, I haven't started a diet. But I am reminding myself not to eat more than I need. I am training my body and mind to get accustomed to smaller meals, to accept hunger pangs as my stomach shrinks from $5 foot long size to a bout a quarter of that. My body does not need refined sugar and flour. I want to be sickened by the sickening things that are in processed foods. I want to eat just a little of those foods that make sense, and then, if I find myself in Rome, I shall do as the Romans do: I will have a slice of Birthday cake if I have to, but not go seeking marked-down candy the day after Easter so I can snack because I'm entitled.
I just had to get this stuff out of my head and make a record of it. I don't think I'm right about people, but I'm right to examine these subconscious beliefs o' mine.
.jpg)
Posts
